Funny Quotes and Funny One-liners.

Because of the size of our canonical list of bumper stickers we had to split up the list. This page has an extra 124 funny quotes and funny one liners that I believe do not really classify as a car sticker. Some are better suited for sms text messages and other funny quotes are probably more used as funny pick-up lines.

If you are looking to buy funny bumper stickers, or to put one of these funny quotes on a car sticker, I recommend StickerGiant, The Largest Sticker Store in the Universe !. If you are looking for funny one liners on T-shirts you can get Great Deals & Prices on UFO Clothing at beWild.com

Warning: This list of funny quotes is rather long and it may take some time for this page to fully load.

Well-Behaved Women

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool says in his heart: 'There is no God.' A wise man says it to everyone.
A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more than you believe.
A woman is like a tea bag... you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then forget the fruit!
Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers!
At Jesus' tomb, did angels really roll away the stone, or was it Juvenile Delinquents?
At the Last Supper, did He order the All-U-Can-Eat-Loaves-'N-Fishes-Buffet? Or would that have been redundant?
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me.
Censorship? We don't have any censorship. If we did, I couldn't say XXXX or XXXX.
College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day!
Computers cut my work in half.... and the boss expects me to put it all back together!
Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.
Did Joseph get upset when the Boy Jesus gave away his coin collection?
Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that's out to get them?
Do communion wafers taste better in Corpus Christi, Texas, or in Sacramento, California?
Don't call us "gun nuts"! With a government like ours, we'd be nuts not to have guns!
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Even if you manage to convince me that I am gay, I am NOT going to sleep with you.
Ever wonder why god-centered religions make a woman responsible for messing up the world?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels
Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!
God could create the universe in six days because he didn’t have to make it upward compatible.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God must especially love Fundamentalist preachers, Paleoconservative Republicans and the mentally ill, since He is all they ever talk about
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh? Wouldn't Jesus have preferred Gold, Platinum and Silver?
Gun Exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to have to see you everyday
I'm a Frisbeeterian - When I die, my soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
I'm a right-wing, Republican, conservative Christian who thinks the spotted owl tastes like chicken.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I like noise. I need noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I pledge allegiance to the earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If Jesus had grown up to be an agent, instead of walking on water would he have walked on people?
If Jesus where here today, there is one thing he wouldn't be: A Christian -- Mark Twain
If Joe was such a hot-shot carpenter, why couldn't he whip up a groovy little cradle for Baby J.?
If the 12 Apostles were to be marketed as action figures, would Judas be sold separately?
If we have a moment of silence in public schools, shouldn't we also have a moment of noise in Bible schools?
If you always take time to stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
If you called His answering machine, what would the recording say? "I know who you are and why you are calling and at the tone of the beep your sins will be forgiven."
If you can't say something nice about somebody, then you've come to the right place.
If you made an arrow with the Holy Spirit's feathers, could you shoot it into infinity?
If you were on trial for being a Christian--- would there be enough evidence to convict you?
If your fiancee is an existentialist, should you give her a disengagement ring?
In case of rapture, this office will be empty. With the possible exception of the guy in accounting.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Is static cling the aftermath of the big bang, or is it just God's way of trying to tell us something?
Is the human race God's excuse for talking to Himself so the other Gods won't gossip about how He's going soft in the head?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It's Never Too Late to Mutate and we know our computers do it as soon as our backs are turned
It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
It will be a great day when education is paid for and we see the military holding a bake sale to raise funds.
Jesus said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and render up to God what is God's." So, at the Last Supper, did He turn down the Caesar's salad?
Jewish Pagans are like regular Pagans. We believe in the Mother Goddess, we just feel guilty about not calling.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils—people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
Man can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the apples in a seed.
Matters not the rational, the rhetoric, the tricks, our holy God and sin will never, never mix!
Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Prometheus: Wouldn't it have been easier and more convenient to steal the fire from hell?
Put your friend's names in a circle and put your man's in a heart, hearts break but circles never end.
Real Programmers Don't Document. If it was hard to write, it should be impossible to understand!
She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized.
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...
Support the 28th Amendment: Convicted felons shall not have the right to demand or expect better treatment or conditions than the members of the public at large.
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
Tardis Express: When it absolutely, positively, has to be there before you mailed it!
The Attorney General has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health, and get away with it!
The Bible is God's letter to Christians. If you don't understand it, that's what you get for reading other people's mail.
The Bible says that Jesus died for our sins. Couldn't you say the same thing about King Kong, Cool Hand Luke, and Frankenstein?
The Church says the earth is flat. But I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more Faith in a shadow than in the Church.” – Ferdinand Magellan
The easiest way to get rich is to start your own religion. - L. Ron Hubbard.
The fundies keep telling me I'm going to Hell and they're going to Heaven. If they aren't there, it won't be Hell, so I guess we're all going to the same place!
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress, can be judged by the way its animals are treated-gandhi
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. – Dante
Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
Usenet is cheaper than drugs, just as addictive, but you have to know how to read!
Was the crucifixion just a dice game that got terribly, terribly out of hand?
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. - Jonathan Swift.
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and lack of transgression for integrity!
What if Noah had gotten drunk while he was on the ark and said, "HEY! Throw the animals overboard--bring the fish up here!"
What if, on the first day of creation, God had goofed and said 'Let there be Heat?'
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
When Jesus was on the cross, to pass the time, did he pretend he was an airplane?
When Peter chopped off the Centurion's ear at Gethsemene, and Jesus healed it, did He offer the Centurion a lollipop for being such a brave little man?
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It's easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!
Why don't satanic warlocks ever appear on televison to exhort unbelievers to donate money to fight God?
Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!

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